i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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