there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
