Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
