I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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