you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
