Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
