while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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