i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
