I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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