someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
