your parents love me but you hate me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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