In the future we'll all be gay
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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