Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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