just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
