If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
there is glitter all over my balls
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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