not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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