I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
