I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
