nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My ATM looks so different sober.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
