I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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