We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
