our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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