I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
