I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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