I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
