gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
