A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
