I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
