I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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