She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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