did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
