This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
