i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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