Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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