I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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