Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
