3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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