the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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