He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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