Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
