I CAN MOONWALK!
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
