I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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