Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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