I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
