am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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