So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
