I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
