remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
