im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
