Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
